3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
