just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
