Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
