he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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