saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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