She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
He felt like a one man threesome
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
