Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
