Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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