About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
