Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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