I'm passing your future prison.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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