I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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