Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
