Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
