I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
