I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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