You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
