Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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