Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
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Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
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He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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