Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
