I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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