I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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