This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
