my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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