My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
