btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
