I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
you inspire me to be a worse person
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
