This is not my ceiling
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
