i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
