I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
