My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
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Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
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I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
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