theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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