There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
