you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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