we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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