happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
