YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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