She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
