I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
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Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
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There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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