OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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