I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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