is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
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I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
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We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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