my soul wont recognize me after tonight
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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