420 ftw
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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