FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
You left your phone here
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