Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
