Umm I'm too high to move.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
