I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
