Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I think i got beer on your cat.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
