I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
