is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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