I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
