my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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