Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
