dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
