I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
