Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
